Last week, some people I was praying with advised me to “write down everything separating me from the Lord” and take that stuff “to the cross” . This week, at an event I wouldn’t have gone to if the topic hadn’t been (incorrectly!) announced as one very relevant to me, this comes up again completely unrelatedly and while writing my mind is suddenly filled with ideas and expressions that don’t feel like my own. But that is only the prelude to a major kick in the ass. I asked for clarity regarding my relationship. The next day (today), my boyfriend behaves like an idiot, victimises himself and does his utmost to hurt me and ,despite  the fact that I was feeling unwell, invoke guilt in me. For everyone to see, so I’m not just whining. Maybe, I thought just for a second, in a misguided attempt to rationalise his behaviour, I should have gone to his place to mend the situation, yet I immediately realised that there was no way I could have assumed he was home since he hadn’t answered a single call. “Can you imagine how I feel?” – of course I can, but while my actions (not on purpose and resulting from my sickness) sure aren’t nice, I wonder what harm his treating me on purpose like some cold, guilty, bitch could possibly cause? Perhaps, can you imagine?, make me feel hurt, exponentially more so than him, and without good reason?

If this isn’t clarity, what is? And if this isn’t the first step of the general clean-up the confessional at the cross was supposed to initiate, where would one begin?

Um, hey, thanks God, that was quick, but maybe next time… Wait. No “but”s. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to this. I love weird, but sometimes it comes as too much of a surprise to really appreciate it.

it’s dark and cold where i remain
a land of wind – a land of rain
i’m in command – just of myself
my only master, decide my life

- Dieses Semester stehen weniger Prüfungen an als erwartet.

- Dafür aber eine komplexe Programmierleistung, mit der ich noch nicht einmal begonnen habe, sie aber in 5 Wochen einreichen muss.

- Mir erschließt sich weder auf intellektueller noch emotionaler Ebene, warum eine Beziehung den Tagesablauf der Beteiligten dermaßen beeinflusst.

- Ich kämpfe mit einem Motivationsschreiben für ein Stipendium – entweder zu down-to-earth oder zu pathetisch, wobei letzteres mit meinen üblichen Schreibstil Synergieeffekte erzeugt. Empfehlungsschreiben habe ich auch noch nicht. Zeit auch kaum noch.

- Ich freue mich wahnsinnig auf das WGT, habe aber noch keine Couchsurfingunterkunft und die Karten mangels finanziellem Spielraum noch nicht bezahlt.

- Mein Sportpensum läuft aus dem Rahmen. Und alles, was da noch dranhängt. Manchmal würde ich wirklich gern meinen Synapsen beim Arbeiten und ihren ubiquitären fuck-ups zusehen. Das wäre allerdings wie einem Autounfall in Slowmotion beizuwohnen. Und zu wissen, dass man eigentlich gar nicht helfen will und es auch nicht wird.

You used to dream of a new life
a fate without poison and knives
You used to ask me to hold your hand
but that would sign your death warrant

Know that I have
a different song to dance to
another set of lies to live for
How would I know
what it is like to ignore
everything your heart aches for

Utter and complete mental annihilation
is just the next logical station
on this road trip
You assert your right to self-destruction
I am the embodiment of seduction

The drums of war surge through my body
I grow stronger with each drop of blood shed
I’m standing amidst death and need
A vision consumed by adrenaline and red
The fog is lifted as you charge ahead
Prepare for War

You can’t see me
writhing on the floor
just another battle whore
who sang my battle lore
you’re artfully disguised
with your face in the mud
and your hopes spilling from your gut

I am War – who can resist my allure?

[May '11; inspired by Dakshina Kali and the game Darksiders; based on Daft Punks End of Line (Basic Slack Remix)]

“Whey or Casein?
When it comes to packing on serious mass, calories are king, along with plenty of protein to ensure that mass is muscle. That’s why hardgainers should drink protein shakes between meals. But what kind of protein powder is best?

Answer: Casein. Research has found that when subjects consumed a whey protein shake 90 minutes before eating a buffet-style meal, they ate significantly less food than when they consumed a casein shake before. Whey appears to boost levels of the hunger-blunting hormones cholecystokinin and glucagonlike peptide-1 much higher than casein does. So go with casein to keep you hungry, which will allow you to consume more calories throughout the day and add more mass.” (Source: http://flex.weideronline.eu/ – geared towards men*)

For comparison:

“10. Outwit Your Appetite
Eating six small meals a day to help control your appetite doesn’t work for everybody. “Eating that often increases your exposure to food and ups the chances that you’ll be tempted to overeat,” says Musante. To control calories, he advises that you have just three meals a day and skip snacks. Musante also notes that the sight of food can stimulate your appetite, so keep it all out of view. “You should even wrap leftovers in aluminum foil, not plastic, so you won’t be tempted when you open the fridge,” he says.” (Source: fitnessmagazin.com – geared towards women*)

(* I do not mean to imply that this is actually primarily a gender issue.)

*And let’s face it, society as a whole is quite obsessed with fitness nowadays, not just looks.

I've grown wings
a beautiful pair
enhancing my reflection
Am I already there?

Bones and bruises, this I choose
solid matter versus abstract confusion
- pretending I've got nothing to lose
may well be the ultimate delusion.

Efficiency proved after the fact
vivid colours make it worthwhile
glittering noise just to distract
on broken lips a broken smile.

In this best of possible realities
call it a charming way of coping
this utilitarian method of death
some weird error in the wiring
call it my little pet insanity.

Granted, it's a strange concept
this incremental disappearance
in agonising hope I'm trapped
not knowing needs nor wants.

Excess and absence taking turns
as the floor dances beneath my feet
curled up beneath skin, scars, burns
I'm willing my heart to beat.

As I fade away surreptitiously:
Am I strong enough yet?

- What good are wings
that you can't spread?

—–Oct 2010 (which makes it outdated, at least for the time being)

>>A Withering Dream<<
I am waiting for just another acrid word
to split these white lips apt to lie
One more caress intended to hurt
A trophy for the girl who used to cry

This way of dying is tranquil, at first
no cracking bones, no ticking time
but be aware, the stillness is the worst
How should I have known what I might find?

You always knew how to twist minds
Spark desire that grates the flesh
Darken the room, draw the blinds
Crawling with a skill that I can't match
on the edge of vision, a spinning memory
surreptitiously giving your presence away
Falling asleep to the sound of my own plea
I am jealous, because you got to escape
from the trenches of a war you shouldn't win
The paralysing need for assurance, cherish
your breathing patterns etched into my skin
I would suffocate so you'd stop, a naive wish
And then -

You had me caught in a withering dream
a dance of gleaming pain and vice
a mirage in which all is as it seems
for beauty belies the beholder's eyes

One would have thought I enjoyed my fall
your eyes and hands, fast and coarse
bruising my ribs, up against another wall
A time beyond good and evil and remorse

My heart's pounding to the rhythm of your step
echoing hollow and from beyond the grave
and now that we have abolished regret
I will be your student instead of your slave

——Dez 2010

The ecstasy’s too much to bear
with shards of glass everywhere
the glinting pearls of sweat
the with’ring faces on the bed
their lies will never be the same
bleeding crying out your name.

(Heute mal amateurish poetry mit musikalischer Untermalung )