The Life of Brian

September 4, 2011

God, quite frankly, tends to surprise me with his odd sense of humor, though that may not be the exact word to convey my meaning. Everyone connects differently to Him, whether through visions, images, feelings…so I guess that God occasionally hands me a plate of hard-to-digest-food while winking at me doesn’t seem too strange. “Fatherly, He takes me by the hand…” and jerks me forward with such force (and gusto) that I land face-down in the dust. Right at His feet, where I ought to be, but the popular description doesn’t include the bruises and laughs and sand-filled lungs.

Last week, some people I was praying with advised me to “write down everything separating me from the Lord” and take that stuff “to the cross” . This week, at an event I wouldn’t have gone to if the topic hadn’t been (incorrectly!) announced as one very relevant to me, this comes up again completely unrelatedly and while writing my mind is suddenly filled with ideas and expressions that don’t feel like my own. But that is only the prelude to a major kick in the ass. I asked for clarity regarding my relationship. The next day (today), my boyfriend behaves like an idiot, victimises himself and does his utmost to hurt me and ,despite  the fact that I was feeling unwell, invoke guilt in me. For everyone to see, so I’m not just whining. Maybe, I thought just for a second, in a misguided attempt to rationalise his behaviour, I should have gone to his place to mend the situation, yet I immediately realised that there was no way I could have assumed he was home since he hadn’t answered a single call. “Can you imagine how I feel?” – of course I can, but while my actions (not on purpose and resulting from my sickness) sure aren’t nice, I wonder what harm his treating me on purpose like some cold, guilty, bitch could possibly cause? Perhaps, can you imagine?, make me feel hurt, exponentially more so than him, and without good reason?

If this isn’t clarity, what is? And if this isn’t the first step of the general clean-up the confessional at the cross was supposed to initiate, where would one begin?

Um, hey, thanks God, that was quick, but maybe next time… Wait. No “but”s. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to this. I love weird, but sometimes it comes as too much of a surprise to really appreciate it.


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